Coconuts.

I originally joined my team as a Christmas casual, but I was fortunate enough to be offered a part-time position. So, there I was - a new part-timer at her late night shift. As trade moved back to normal, the Christmas rush was no longer a thing and we actually had time to interact with customers now. 

This was my first job, but not once since I had started had I doubted my ability to serve customers and do so in a friendly manner. Throughout Christmas, I had gotten along with customers well, but something irked me. Just a little. 

I am Brown. At the time, I was one of the two Brown gals on our team, the other being our stockroom manager. To put it simply, the company I worked for employed predominantly White teams. The girls on our team, including our management team were either White, or were mixed. 

It was just another shift at my part-time job. A customer entered the store, ignoring my greeting and harshly shoving her way past me. This was not new to me. It was normal for customers to browse our store and ignore any interactions with team members. 

However, what was new to me, was the way I was treated at the counter. 

She approached the counter with the items she wished to purchase, and after seeing me behind the counter, she snickered. "Is Katy* in today?" she asked me. I nodded, proceeding to let her know that Katy was just out back grabbing a size for a customer. 

"Well, I'll wait for her then. Are you new?"

Nodding, I smiled and told her that Katy should be back soon. 

She giggled, "The hiring standards here have really dropped. Usually the staff who serve me here are more... professional-looking." 

Thinking that she was talking about my outfit, I nodded and made myself busy behind the counter. I called Katy over, letting her know that one of her regulars were here and wanted to be served by her. 

"Oh, Katy! It's good to see you today! I was just telling her that I wasn't sure if she was staff or not. Didn't know this company hired coconuts." 

I remember so much after that. I remember crying on our stockroom floor. I remember Katy not defending me or shooting down that woman's comment. 

How sad. That you feel uncomfortable to see brown skin taking up your white, privileged space. How unfortunate that you would go to the lengths you went to, to express your discomfort. How dare I, a coconut, have a job? 

Looking back at the situation, I don't think "professional-looking" was used in the way that she meant it. She made me feel as if my skin colour was what made me less professional. It was obvious that she was more accustomed to a team with a lighter complexion, but that does not give her any excuse to make me feel less for something I cannot help. 

If anything, my presence on the team was comforting for our Brown customers. I have been told various times that it's "nice to see a Polynesian girl working for *company name*!" It's comments like this one that keeps me going and fuels me. Inclusivity and equality is where it's at, and if I have to be called a coconut because I represent those things, then so be it. 

Those words you spoke, filled with hatred and discomfort, they don't hurt me anymore. They give me more of a reason to exist in your space. That discomfort you felt? Gives me reason to believe that our spaces are merging. It's about time, anyway.

*Katy is a fake name.